The Marriage of Me and Thou
Every Monday as I sit down at my desk to write these thoughts, as small terror overwhelms me. Sometimes the question is, is there anything else to write about? Other times, I am overflowing with thoughts and feelings, and I can’t figure out where to begin.
Today, I feel like the latter. So many feelings, so many thoughts, so many dreams. Where do I begin? How do I make any sense of all this? How do I put it in order, and most importantly, how do I put words to these feelings?
In Stravinsky’s, Poetics of Music in the Form of Six Lessons he talks about the same issues, but not with words or pictures, but with music.
He describes how when he sits down at the piano to compose, he has total fear and is overwhelmed with an uneasiness of where to begin. Everything and nothing is possible.
It is only after he has picked the key and various other musical constraints, does he begin to feel liberated, and the notes begin to flow more graciously. Freedom comes only from constraint, and from the choices one makes. It is at this point the slow process of exposing the peculiar and real you begins to emerge. As you delve deeper into making decisions, from deciding for and against choices, you find this thing called your voice.
I have a shoot this week, and as always the same overwhelming fear hits me square in the face the moment I hear about the assignment. It is not about the pictures, I am generally confident about those, it’s about the location. Where, oh where, can I shoot these pictures? What key can I find that will open the door to allow me the freedom to show myself.
I am in dread of not finding a place that not only feels right for the pictures (the assignment) but also feels right for me.
Everything starts with the location. I am always looking under every rock, peering into small crevices, looking to find new places to shoot. Where I feel comfortable. Where I feel it is appropriate, and I can make my pictures. This process is never easy and always filled with dread and generally requires a great deal of thought and work.
If I finally walk into a space that feels right, the first feeling I have is a sense of relief. Basically that is all I want to know. I never probe too deeply. I don’t want to know at the time what picture’s I will take, or how they will look. I begin to feel free and more at ease and this is enough. I quickly leave at this point before everything is revealed to me.
I want the experience of making the pictures to be spontaneous and vibrant. I trust my instincts. I now have my key.
During the shoot I never shoot polaroids or want to know what the pictures look like. I love the experience of making the pictures and if I saw them before or during the process, it would stop there.
I try to go deeper into the score, I know my limitations and I become more free as the day progresses. I allow my voice to mingle with the location and the models. Deeper and deeper, the chorus becomes more and more melodious until all the voices speak as one.
